The good, the bad and the ugly

The good, the bad and the ugly
BUT THEN AGAIN...
By MARY SCHNEIDER

Handsome men may be good for your ego but he can also wreck your life.

I was surprised to read a quote by English model/actress Kelly Brook about her ideal man: “I want someone who is down to earth, funny, good in bed, handsome. Actually, just handsome will do.”

Had I been asked to choose only one of the attributes listed by Ms Brook as must-haves for an ideal partner, I would never have chosen handsome. And my choice would have had little to do with the fact that looks usually fade with time.

My experience with handsome men (and I’m not saying all handsome men are the same, and I’m also not saying that I’ve had all that many relationships with handsome men) makes me think that not-so-good-looking guys usually make better partners.

The first really handsome man I dated had the dark brooding looks of a young Sean Connery. But that’s where the resemblance to 007 stopped. I mean to say, James Bond would never adjust the review mirror of his Aston Martin DB5 to make sure his hair is in place before speeding after the bad guys.

Nor would he sweep the newly-rescued hot babe into his arms, kiss her passionately on the lips and then remove a mini comb from his back pocket before proceeding to groom his immaculately trimmed moustache. Nor would he spend 20 minutes in front of the bedroom mirror every morning examining his perfectly sculpted tush from every angle.

James Bond doesn’t have a mirror in his bedroom, or a comb in his back pocket, or a range of cleansers and moisturisers in his bathroom. Unless, of course, these items happen to be cunning disguises for the tools of his trade: a mini rocket launcher in his back pocket, a mirror that doubles as communications screen, and a moisturiser that has muscle paralysing properties.

But I digress…

Other than the frustration of having to compete with someone every morning for the bathroom mirror, there is another side to dating handsome men that can make them less than attractive.

Many good-looking men (and the same applies to some beautiful women) are accustomed, from a young age, to having the opposite sex swooning over them.

This often leads them to using their looks as a currency to get what they want, to the extent that they don’t work on their personality and general affability. Indeed, it’s quite common to see such physically advantaged people lording it over the not-so-good-looking members of society who are taken in by their beauty alone. As such, handsome men are usually presented with more opportunities to stray. A good friend of mine refuses to date beautiful men for that very reason.

“Ugly men are a joy to have around,” she once said, “because they are so damn grateful, and you don’t have to always be keeping an eye on the competition.”

I’m not sure I want to be with a man who is damn grateful that I chose him. Such a lack of confidence is not all that attractive.

I don’t want someone fawning over me at the breakfast table, watching me as I sleep (like how creepy is that) and wanting to hold my hand to the extent that I can’t even go grocery shopping without our fingers being constantly intertwined. Do you know how difficult it is to select a water melon when you have only one hand available?

Such a situation would be almost as embarrassing as being seen in public with your partner while wearing “His and Hers” matching sweaters.

Besides, I once dated a rather ugly man for a while and he cheated on me, almost from day one. He was balding, had crooked, badly stained teeth and a blotchy complexion. But he had two things going for him: he was tall and he could charm the birds out of the trees. Or perhaps I should rephrase that: he was tall and he could charm the birds, regardless of whether they lived in trees, condominiums or bungalows.

These days, I refuse to be taken in by silver-tongued men, whether they are handsome or otherwise. Just give me a regular Joe with a sense of humour and I won’t ask for anything else. Well, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt if he were kind, generous and comforting, too.

Oh yes, and if he could throw in an Aston Martin DB5 for my regular trips to the local mall, I would really appreciate it.

That and a few choice pieces of bling once in a while. In fact, I would be really damn grateful.